Hi - it has been quite awhile. So much has happened and so much is yet to come.
My last post was Feb 1 ...during that time I was struggling with Merry her attitude and outbursts, I was concerned with her safety and the safety of others. Then I found a book, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, by Chip Ingram. I started to read this book, and realized something so overwhelming it was scary. Merry's issues while her behavior and reactions to situations need work, the anger and the feelings behind the anger are real.... however I am responsible for teaching Merry these behaviors. When I took a closer look at myself using this book as the vehicle for information, I realized I myself had outbursts and attitude!! The apple does not fall far from the tree.. I started immediately to focus on myself rather than Merry. Working on my shortcomings, and I am reporting now April 10, 2013 the working progress in us. She and I are a work in process. I am learning how to listen, and how to respond without tone, and without sarcasm. Sarcasm is a pet peeve, and I do not care for this type of "humor" but here I was using on my kids. I was so disappointed to look in the mirror and see the real me. I am reminded of the Michael Jackson song. "Man in the Mirror".
It is now May 18, 2013 Life is totally has flipped. I am out of work again, and staying in my friends house (empty house - and for sale - timetable yet to be determined) While I can report Merry and I are still working on us, we are also seeking outside help. We have stepped up counseling appointments and we are going to get tested for mood disorders. She just turned 11 Wednesday and I need to be clear if her mood swings are hormonal or chemical. I cannot determine this on my own, so I am seeking a professional opinion. I am trying not to get ahead of where I am, and where God is meeting me. And trying not to worry about where God wants me to be. I am working on completing college and I am taking 3 classes this summer. I had to get a new notebook (the hand-me-down net book from Jamie finally died) I have about 12 classes to completing my bachelors degree. My current class started this week, and my book is late :( which means I am late with one of my first assignments. I hate starting out behind the pack. I don't doubt I will catch up, but last semester I managed a C in my class because I missed 3 assignments. (due to moving, and lack of internet, then the net book died, all legitimate reasons for missed assignments, however professors in college do not care. Thankfully I got an A- on my final paper to squeak out a C.)
I am learning so much about myself, and what makes me tick. I am determined not to settle on what I think is right for me, knowing the any plan God has for me is beyond my small mind. I will never fully experience everything God has planned for me because I am limited on earth. I will continue to seek his counsel and listen for his guidance. And even though I am broken and a work in process and a sinner, he loves me anyway. I stride to be grateful for the gift of grace, even though I do not feel worthy of this gift.
I just passed 9 months sober, and this is truly a gift from God. The clarity for his plan for me becomes more evident each and every day. I try to stay in the moment and work in the present, I will try to be still and know he is God. He has got my back...... My needs will and have been met. We have food, we have shelter, we have tremendous support. I am so humbled by his love, and I will continue to stride to feel worthy of it.
Revelation 22:17 Let him who thirsts come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.
Romans 12:8 Who gives, let him do it with liberality.
I find myself drinking and giving liberality! I can't not share what God has done and the plans he has for me.
I post lyrics to Christian music all the time, today however I cannot decide on a song. I am listening to KLOVE and every single song is touching my heart today. I will learn to say I Love You more often.
Dear God, Help me to look for the many ways you touch me with your love and care everyday, help me see others in need, and provide the your words....even when I don't know what to say. Amen
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